Cinco de Mayo, Harley Style
by bradp521
Summary: Harley tried to commit a theme crime. Honest, she really does try!


"She just doesn't get it," Joker exclaimed as he collapsed into his chair. Two-Face and Riddler looked at him and then at Penguin, who shrugged with at "What're you going to do?" expression on his face.

The three of them had gathered at the Iceberg to have a drink and share civilized discussion among peers about, as usual, how to defeat the Caped Crusader. Joker hadn't been invited because his fellow rogues recognized that a) his plans were generally insane, b) his plans generally resulted in a Bat-encounter, which resulted in pain and hospital time, and c) none of them were insane enough to be the one to try to tell Joker about a and b.

"She who?" Two-Face finally asked, at which point Riddler and Penguin looked at him as if he was just as crazy as Joker.

"Harley," Joker said. "Who did you think I was talking about? Brittney Spears?"

Penguin took a deep breath and, seeing as the discussion had been started, decided to at least try to steer it. "What is it that the delightful Dr. Quinzel doesn't understand?"

"Being a Gotham criminal," Joker said. "If you just want to rob a bank or hijack a school bus in a boring humdrum way, go to Star City or Metropolis or someplace like that. But if you're going to be a criminal in Gotham, you have to have a theme. You have to do things with style!"

"Not so fast, Puddin'" came a familiar squeak from the entry of the dining room, and before they could turn in her direction, the room was filled with the sound of a mariachi band.

Holding a boombox in one hand and a pair of maracas in the other, Harley Quinn struck a pose, made even more ludicrous by the brightly colored sombrero she was wearing on her tassled head.

"I got lots of style," she said, "and I decided not to just have one theme but to go with the season."

"What season is this?" Riddler asked. "The annual Cisco Kid marathon at the classic movie theater?"

"Don't be silly," Harley said, bopping him gently on the noggin with a maraca. "What I did was on the news and everything!"

"I watched the news," Penguin said. "The only so-called 'big story' was the barge that sank in the Gotham River."

"That was me," she said gleefully.

"Harl, just how was that a theme crime?" Joker asked wearily.

"Simple, Puddin'," she said. "It was a barge of food for the supermarkets. They thought they were going to save money on gas by usin' barges instead of trucks, so they were bringing all this food down the river."

"So?" Two-Face replied. "I still don't see a theme."

Harley gave a long sigh, one of those "okay, I'll explain it to you in small words" kind of sighs, and said, "They had food. All kinds of food. And that included Hellman's. So in honor of the holiday, I decided to sinko the mayo."

At this point, Riddler pulled his hat down over his eyes. Penguin began to rub the bridge of his nose. Two-Face began to roll his famous coin between his fingers. Joker looked down at the flower in his lapel, over at Harley, back at his flower, and finally muttered to himself, "No, she wouldn't understand that either."

Riddler finally said, "Let me explain it to you," and spent the next half hour explaining the Spanish translation of the Fifth of May and the holiday behind it and how it had nothing to do with sinking anything and how it absolutely had nothing to do with mayonnaise.

Once Harley finally understood, she dropped into a chair dejectedly and took off her sombrero. She seemed so downcast that even her maracas seemed to go limp.

After several moments, Penguin motioned Joker over to the adjoining table and hissed, "She's your girlfriend. Do something about this. She's bringing down the whole dining room, and depressed diners don't stay for dessert and they don't tip particularly well either."

Joker sighed and put his arm around Harley's shoulders and said, "It was a nice try, Slugger. Let's go home, and we'll see if we can find you a nice theme crime."

She perked up at that and said, "Okay, Puddin'." She handed Penguin the maracas, plopped the sombrero on Two-Face's head, and walked out with Joker. As they left, Joker said, "Were there any other holidayish themes you wanted to try?"

"Well," she said, "I had one idea. Nobody ever does anything to remember the Alamo."

"And how did you want to try to celebrate that?" he asked.

Her again-excited voice floated back into the dining room. "I thought we could steal a rental car."


End file.
